not what I expected

Flash back to 5 years ago, I was the definition of miss independent. I remember eating rice and frozen vegetables for a month straight because I absolutely refused to ask my mom for money (that was just stupid, but a great diet). Josh and I met while I was in nursing school, it is sad to admit but I used the guy for free golf. As our relationship began to grow I never let my guard down. Even when I knew he was the one, there was still a part of me that held back for fear of being hurt. As we continued to date I made is VERY obvious that I never wanted to get married (I wasn't going to be that girl). Needless to say the next year we were married. Then I made it clear that I never wanted kids, I wanted to work and focus on a career..... 2 years later Noah was born.
Josh left tonight for a golf tournament in VA and he took Noah to grandma's on the way. As I sat crying on the porch (cause I just didn't want them to leave) it made me realize how much I have changed over the past few years. I have gone from miss independent to miss completely dependent! I have to laugh as I write this just because of how much we change overtime. The life I once considered was all about me now includes two of the most amazing boys and they are what my life is all about now. It's amazing how so much of my identity and who I am comes from not being Candice but from Josh's wife and Noah's mom.
On our wedding day I refused to be announced as Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Petrunger- I have a name too and it is not Mrs. josh Petrunger. I think at that point in life I considered the title offensive now I consider it an honor. I guess it's true when they say, "never say never".

surrendering

Each Sunday I come from church so rejuvenated and ready for the week. As many of you know I have struggled lately not with my faith but with living daily in a way that I feel pleases God. I have everything in the world to be thankful for and I truely am, God has blessed me with the most amazing and loving husband who I could not imagine a day without. Then He took it even another step with blessing us to have a family and healthy little boy. In April I took a trip to Honduras that has impacted my life in a way I didn;t realize was possible. One of my biggest fears has been I would forget the burden God layed on my heart as I walked throughout the village of the local familes we were serving. So, today I came to the conclusion that I am a girl that wants my cake and wants to eat it too! I want to have a relationship with God that guides me each day......but I also want my dream house and all my worldly possessions. Not saying there is anything wrong with with financial success or luxery homes, but for me I have often put my dreams before my Father. This song had me tears as I sang out in church today. It is so hard to surrender it all due to the fact of feeling vulnerable, but with God when we surrender it actually strengthens us.
Each week as we are singing I look around and am awe of those who raise their hands in worship, I have ALWAYS wanted to do this, but something always holds me back. I fear that what if the person next to me thinks Im weird. So silly how we worry about what others may say or think even while at church. So this is my year and I am going to learn to lift my hands in worship and "surrender" it all to my God.